I think it’s amazing how someone you know you could never be with, can make you smile even when you feel at your shittiest. That actually just happened to me. I came to work… I don’t feel good.. I look like shit, and he comes up behind me, puts his hands over my eyes and I knew it was him… I don’t know how I knew it was him, but I knew it. And we talked about the classes we’re going to take and about racing and just different things and he leaves and I’m still smiling. There’s only two other men that I’ve been in the precense of in my life who have done that… one who I can’t stop loving and the other, I’ve only really sat and talked with once, but that one time influenced me more than he or anybody else could probably ever know.

I feel like I’m kind of torn on what’s going on with me right now. I thought I would be busy this weekend but I’m not… the Hooter’s race is next weekend and I’m invited as a part of the media and also been invited to Media Day on Thursday to interview drivers. I NEED THIS for my resume reel, especially if I want to work in NASCAR.  Sure, it’s the lower ranks but it’s racing and it’s drivers and it’s here, where I have the equipment. 

 But because I’m not busy this weekend… I’m sort of going out with him… the asshole of my life. We have this thing that for some reason, we always cool off in the winter time when we’re actually talking, but yet when it warms up, we warm up. It started this time last year and it did this a few years ago too, always… but yeah, I have to work Saturday and I’m going to close early and meet up with him probably and…. whatever. Then, I told the “small” guy last night that I think I had changed my mind… but then, I have this guy I know at school, but I don’t really know him all that well… we kind of know the same person that used to work with me and he came in here all the time and for some reason he wants to hook up and I’m still confused by that, and he’s not my type at all… I don’t know what all these shit is about.. really. I’m not a fucking model…. I understand why the asshole wants to go out and talk… that’s it and usually when he says that’s it… that’s it with him unless I pressure him into something else… now if it’s at his place, well I know what he wants but it’s not, he said go out.. and I trust him, but these other guys, I don’t know about… I’m too cautious. I can’t do that.. I don’t know how some people do it… I wish they’d give me some advise, because I’d love to be able to just sleep with someone I don’t know but I CAN’T… nor do I want to… I guess I just want to trust people more.

And I’ve had this song by Pink on repeat last night and this morning… it makes me think of things, people, and all of that junk.  It kind of makes me think of him. I won’t say who him is…. just him.

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you’d be around
Uh huh
That’s right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That’s right

If someone said three years from now
You’d be long gone
I’d stand up and punch them out
Cause they’re all wrong and
That last kiss
I’ll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

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