I’ve done a lot of thinking today… especially on my way home tonight. I think I try too hard… too hard in every thing I do. I try too hard in class. I try too hard while studying. I try too hard to be funny, sometimes making jokes that aren’t funny and are kind of egotistic. I try too hard when I like someone. Why? I don’t know. I try to hard in everything and I’m tired of failing at them.

I need to stop worrying about a certain someone and just not care and maybe something will happen. I’ve been racking my brain, thinking up all kinds of shit and that’s not like me. I feel like my fourteen year old self again… like I want to write some stupid secret admirer letter and I CAN’T DO THAT. I am about to be 27 years old.

Yep, I’m about to be 27 years old. My birthday is coming up soon and I will be one year older. I want to do something for my birthday, I don’t know what, but I want to be different than usual. I don’t want to come home, which is what I’ve done the past few years, to a cake my Mom bought from Sam’s or Publix and eat Cake and Ice Cream and basically that’s it. I want to have fun and I want to go out… I want something different. I NEED something different… karaokee, something, I don’t know, I just need fun.

Fun, yep I’m not having much of it lately. Nashville was fun, but I came back to hell…  I jumped right back into school and work and this weekend is my first weekend off since then and I plan on sleeping and studying. I’m tired of school. I wish to God there was someway I could graduate in Fall but it’s too late now.. I’ve mapped out the rest of my semesters at school and have chosen Spring 2008.  I’m in one of those funks that I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I force myself to do my hair and put on make-up because I know I NEED to… last time I looked like total crap, I saw him.  I think I’m going to go talk to this “therapist” lady that someone told me about next week. I just know that if I do, I’m going to walk in and immediately start crying because I have all of this shit built up inside of me that I’m about to crack and my eyes are tearing up just thinking about it.

I think I’m sinking back into my depression and it’s not good and I don’t want to admit it, but I really think I am and I need help.

Tagged with: Personal