So… today was busy. The majority of my work on the paper is done but I have to go back tomorrow to do some other stuff. Plus I’m going to be filming/directing some stuff for the city tomorrow morning also. So who knows when I will be done, but a lot of what is going on is starting to get to me. I feel kind of isolated from everything, everybody. I have friends… but I never get to see them anymore. I never get to see Penni because her work schedule is so whacked and lack of money doesn’t help. I never get to see Shannon anymore because of her work and she’s got herself a man now. Then there’s my friends that I haven’t seen in years, like Rachel down in Jacksonville and Marissa up in New York who I’ve talked to the past few days because of all the BSB stuff going on. I haven’t been able to do much with or on TB.Org lately either… I can’t write. I know what I want to write but it won’t come out at all. It’s like I’m mentally constipated or something. I need to have fun - fun that doesn’t involve a computer. Kicking it back online and all is cool but when I’ve been stuck at home for a week doing nothing, I need some lifelines or something. I need human interaction. I need laughter. I need music. I need to feel good about myself. Of course being the fat hog that I am, how can I really feel good about myself?

By the way, does anybody know how to find the exact location of an address when all you have is like the Route or Post Office Box number or something? Does that make sense?

Yes, I’m stalking someone… or something or another. Why? Because I have no life, no satisfaction, no nothing.

And I’m getting a little fed up with stuff. I still don’t know my entire schedule for this semester. I know my class schedule but I don’t know my main work schedule yet… and I need that in order to help the paper staff know when our weekly meeting will be AND so I’ll know when I can or can not do radio shifts and do my own country/nascar show. Why can’t other people (students, not me - because it’s the other students fault for not turning their schedules in already), but why can’t they be on top of shit like me sometimes? Like, I just looked at my math syllabus (the teacher has it online) to see if I have a test on Friday the 12th of October and I don’t have class.

Well I don’t have class that day. Wonder if my teacher is going to Charlotte since apparently he likes NASCAR too?

We made our hotel reservations last night for Charlotte. It’s the same hotel as last year and it totals $500 exactly with getting there Thursday to leaving on Tuesday. We don’t have to pay until we get there since we stayed last year, so that’s awesome. It’ll probably just be my mom and me going. Shannon probably won’t be able to go and I don’t know what Penni’s going to be doing because she wants to go to Kasey’s fan club thing earlier in the week and I can’t leave that early with my newspaper production stuff on Wednesday nights.

And I’ve been talking to this guy I met again… just through text messages, that’s all. I might be making a private post about that later with the usual password for those that have that. I don’t want to say anything without some privacy. I’m just tired of being alone, never getting any real attention, and dammit, I just feel like I’m talking to myself lately when I say shit.

Am I whining enough in this post so far? Good. I wanted it to be whiny. Because I’m tired, it’s hot (100+ today), and I fucking hate my life because NOTHING never goes right and everybody always disappears before me. I think that’s part of my issues…. separation issues. Everybody always leaves me: my father, my granny, my family, my friends, the people I love… I think that’s why I’m so afraid of commitment because I’m afraid whoever I commit to is just going to leave too.

I need to write that down and talk about that in therapy.

Blah, at least my boys are making me semi-happy right now.

Tagged with: Depression • Guilty Pleasures • Personal