You know what is sad? When you’re so completely tired that you have FIVE hours to do whatever you want: write, work on my websites, make graphics, whatever and what do I do? I basically just sit here zoned out. That’s how tired I am. And what’s really sad is that I’ve lost my love for some stuff. I love to write, but… I don’t love it so much that I force myself to do it. It’s like I don’t get the satisfaction that I used to get out of it. Maybe it’s because nobody really reads it except for people who know me well (whether online or offline).

They say that the author shouldn’t write for feedback but for themselves but honestly, the feedback always drove me to write more… it gave me something to work towards.. knowing someone liked my work.  I don’t know what it is with me. Maybe it’s just time for that part of my life to stop. I mean, I’ve been doing it for YEARS, almost a decade and it’s just finally come to a dry stop almost.  I mean, writing on my blog here is relaxing. I can say or do whatever I want… but in fiction, it has to go a certain way and if not, the story is ruined.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about stuff going on with me. I ended up dropping my Math class which means that I will be waited until next fall to graduate but I’m doing so for several reasons. 1.) If I’m planning on working in NASCAR, if I graduate in May… there’s less of a chance of me getting a job than there is during the offseason in November / December when I will graduate if I wait until the fall. 2.) I’m applying for an all-expense paid internship in NYC but I doubt I’ll get it because my GPA doesn’t show that I’m good at this stuff. I’m not a good test taker. I’m better at hands on stuff.  3.) The loan money…. for all my dentist stuff in the spring and in the fall will be for moving to North Carolina.

So now there’s the part of me that feels like I’m letting everybody down. You know, the people that you rarely see or talk to who when you do see them, all they can say is “You’re still in college?”. Then I have my high school reunion coming up soon and I don’t want to go. I mean, I do, but there’s just that part of my life that I don’t want to talk or think about. I’m not that person anymore. I’m not like the rest of them. I don’t need to go back and feel totally in denial about myself. If I’m ever going to totally move on with my life, I can’t sacrifice myself to that. Most of them have their own little clique that I’m not a part of and sometimes I wonder if I ever really was.

On that note, I’m THIS close to wanting to switch my main job. There’s these new group of guys who come in and they are so much WORSE than the older ones who I’m friends with. These kids are just immature, nerdy, and are so inconsiderate it’s not even funny. I’m tired of hearing it and them and everything. In fact, I’m tired of school all together for the most part but I know I need to finish. I MUST finish.

I just wish someone in NASCAR or any type of media would offer me a job tomorrow and I would SO be on that like white on rice.

Is it time for Charlotte yet and my bunnies?

Tagged with: Depression • Personal