In a way today feels like 1999… I’m giddy over the fact that Backstreet Boys are all over television and that Brett Favre threw an 82 yard touchdown last night in the Packers game against the Broncos.

Yet there’s something oddly different about today: I’m not taking shit from ANYBODY anymore.

So for the first time in about three years last night, I watched a full Green Bay Packers game from start to finish.

I was enthuised, yelling at the television, and cheering when Brett, in his Brett-way, ran around the field with his arms in the air, that smile on his face, after the Packers got a touchdown. It made the giddy girl inside of me long for the days when I would sit around with my ex-best friend Amanda watching them play…. yet, I’m not because I’m not taking shit from anybody anymore so even if she was around - notta.

Today I woke up to Sports Center on my television and quickly turned it to NBC to see Backstreet Boys on television. Nick  Carter in a suit was always… ALWAYS… my weakness. The harmonies were a little off due to AJ being sick but nonetheless… it was the boys.

So I leave for class which I had to borrow $5 for gas and to eat on (yes, five fucking dollars) from the aunt who I hate most because I had no other choice or else I wouldn’t make it to school, work, anything. I get to school, take my Sociology test, go to the media lab and edit on my movie until class starts and I show the rough draft and everybody seemed to like it.

So after I left class, I had a small revelation about something - I’m tired of people treating me like I’m shit. Yeah, I’m not my biggest fan and yeah, I think I suck most of the time but that doesn’t give peope - all people - the right to treat me like shit, step all over me, use me, ignore me. This goes for everybody, not just one person in particular whether some people think that or not. I mean, not everybody treats me this way but a lot of people do. I know I fuss about my Mom a lot and that she’s annoying as hell, acts dumb sometimes, and just gernally annoying but she is my fucking mother… she is all I fucking have. I don’t treat anybody else’s mother like crap or talk about them, so why should people do that about mine? I’m not going to stand for it. I’m not going to have people treat me like a child when I have my life planned out and have goals and opportunities that are handed to me and I can take. I’m not going to have some girl telling me that I’m not his type when I know I’m not but to me that doesn’t matter a fuck. I’m not going to sit in here at a job a second longer that I’ve grown to hate.

I also realized something about who you can count on lately too. I had to shoot my movie this weekend and basically all I had was myself and the two stars of the movie. I asked many different people to come over and help me (it was even on campus) and nobody would…. nobody. Finally I started calling people I hardly ever talked to and finally, someone did. Cameron, a friend that graduated last May came over and held the boommic for me and one of Hunt’s friends came over and was the script supervisor, making sure we got everything and I don’t even know her. It just really showed me who I could count on when I needed them and that meant a lot to me because I do shit for people all the time and I’m fine with it but when it comes to the point that I really really needed some help, it was them that stepped up.

Which brings me to another point… last night I was depressed as hell. Why? It wasn’t because I didn’t do something perfectly or anything else. It was because I was broke yesterday - literally broke. I had three dollars and had to find something to eat with that and buy gas to go home.  Normally I would have money so that I could easily use my debit card , but I ended up spending more in Charlotte than anticipated and then had to help pay the light bill because unlike what most people think when I tell them I live at home with my mom, I help pay the bills because I have to, not because I want to.  But yeah, Karah didn’t really eat anything and didn’t take her medicine and I just got to the point that I was SO fucking tired of not having any money that I literally almost got out of my car and stood in the middle of traffic on I-75. I was parked on the side of the road waiting to go out there. Is this crazy of me? Yes, but why does it happen? I realized that it’s not me… it’s what I let people do to me. I let the people around me control me and I’ve got to stop letting that happen. Whether it’s my family, my friends, people at work and school, or the fucking government, I let people control me and I’m tired of being controlled.  I’m blunt already and I speak my mind already but I’m going to start doing that more. I’m going to start saying what I really think about things and people and if that drives them away then I guess they shouldn’t have been in my life in the first place.

Yes Tony Stewart, you need a fucking haircut now! When it looks like Kurt Cobain’s hair in “Smells Like Teen Spirit” that’s a sign!

Oh and for the male readers… you might want to skip this paragraph. I am still on my fucking period. FOUR WEEKS LATER. I went to the doctor last week and they told me to start taking three birth control pills a night.. I did and it started to ease off but now it’s back full blast.  So basically… I think something is wrong with me. I probably have cancer down there or something and you know what? I don’t care. I just want to stop bleeding and go on about my life. If something is wrong with me, I don’t want to know about it.  I just want to be able to walk without fear that I’m going to have blood all over my pants. That’s all I want. I don’t care if I have cancer and I die.  At least then I would be put out of my misery known as my life.