I’ve done a lot of thinking since my meeting with my therapist / counselor Tuesday afternoon. She says that I have come a long way in the last few months since I began talking with her. I’m weeding out the negative influences in my life and getting rid of the people who have negative energy and things that bring me down.

To come down to it, and like I just told my boys at the radio station earlier, I think having friends is a bit overrated. Sure, there are people who you talk to all the time, who you can depend on, and you share a few things in common with.

A lot of people think having a best friend is the end-all-be-all, but it’s overrated, especially with that person is rarely there for you and uses you. I also think that when a group of people are stuck in the middle when a friendship goes bad are in a bad place themselves because either they asked to be put there, or they didn’t. This whole thing happened to me recently and I’ve tried not to let the one person effect the relationship with the others, but it’s just not possible I think. I mean, talking and conversing, yeah, that’s possible, but other than that, it’s not and I feel bad about it, but ya know, I’m really not a good enough person to have friends I think.

I have my mind set on the things that I want in my life and no where on the list is a group of friends. That’s why I think friendship is so overrated except in those rare circumstances. For instance, my best friend in high school (one of them) and I met when we were in sixth grade I think it was… we were friends up until after we started college (the first time I went). Now we’re just acquaintances even though her aunt who I see a lot is always telling me to go by and see her. My other best friend in high school didn’t get along with the first best friend and I was always stuck in the middle and it killed me, so I know how others feel in those circumstances. That 2nd best friend is what came between me and my true best friend after we started college. She used me by living in my home when her parents kicked her out, going on vacations with us, even stole money from my mom, only to turn around and tell me what a bad friend I was and how I needed to grow up after she went off ruined her life by getting knocked up to get out of the military.

With a lot of stuff that has gone on lately, I’ve just wanted to close down my sites and “start all over” online where nobody knew me and I was anonymous once more. I wouldn’t have to deal with people trying to do what I do or deal with seeing or talking to certain people online. Like I told my therapist, that the only reason I didn’t do that with the fiction site is because of the 1800 people that visit it. I couldn’t just think about myself in that kind of situation. Sure, I changed the name… but Track Bunnies was dead… Track Bunnies were a group of girls who were friends and loved racing and well, the rabbit was shot… or stabbed per se.

I know I’m a bitch and I know I’m set in my weird ways. I get a long better with guys and I’m vulgar and like weird things. I don’t have these idiotic dreams that are unrealistic and I don’t use people to get what I want. I hate asking someone for a dollar to get something to drink at school when I have no money on me so I’ll go without drinking or eating anything all day long. I try my damnest to never use people period, yet I know I’m a horrible friend and a horrible person. This isn’t me trying to get a pitty party going on. I’m closing comments because I don’t want any comments telling me what a great person I am. I know I’m a horribe person but I’m a horrible person with a lot of talent, integrity, and creativity.

I think I’m meant to spend my life with acquaintances that come and go. After all, people walk out of my life all the time anyway (like my sperm donor), so I’m used to it by now.