In the past two years of finding myself and realizing just exactly who I am, I’ve had the most trouble with maintaining friendships. Either I refuse to be the person’s lapdog, refuse to change who I am to make others happy, not good enough for them, or just downright, don’t know what I did to them. Case in point… I have a friend who moved here to go to school a year ago. We hang out when she first comes, and I’m thinking cool, I have someone to hang out with and such. School begins, work happens, she gets a boyfriend, and we basically stop hanging out. Alright, that’s normal, but then she just kind of disappears. I leave messages on myspace, facebook, even text and no response but she’s logged into her accounts, talked to other people, etc, so I’m like you know what… fuck it. *deletes friend*

Sometimes I wonder if I’m really that big of a bitch. I mean, I know I’m a bitch and I speak my mind, but I have people around me who like me for who I am, why can’t those who claim to be my friends? What purpose is ignoring me going to do? What is hiding something from me going to do when I’m going to find out about it? Am I really THAT bad of a person?

Then I think about the things that have happened to me since all this “friend” drama started with me about two years ago or so… I’ve realized where and what I want to do and be in my life. I got an internship that I did so well on that they’re paying me double. I stepped up and was appointed editor-in-chief of the newspaper and I’m now a member of the communications board at school. I won an award for my journalism achievements and for my working achievements as a student employee. Every time I walk from building to building on campus, someone is always stopping to talk to me. I walked across campus Tuesday and was stopped fives times to talk to people. I get asked for advise a lot (why I have no idea) and I’m funny as hell.

I can’t be THAT bad of a person if the guy I like who is a awesome person will sit and visit with me, laugh at my jokes, and all of that.

So what makes me that bad of a person to make someone stop talking to me? Seriously. I mean, hey, whatever floats their boat. I’m past the point of crying when a friend writes me an email telling me that she can’t be my friend anymore. I think it’s their loss and that one day they’ll regret doing me the way they did, but still… it makes you wonder.

I think this is still why I get along better with guys. The people I’ve been closest to in the past year have been guys, because I can talk to them more openly for some reason. I mean, yeah, there’s the ocassional girl that I can talk to, like Rebecca on our newspaper staff, who reminds me a lot of me when I was younger or Adaobi, but I get along better with guys. I don’t need friendships or little cliques to be a part of to make myself feel better.

Friendships might seem like they’re important and having friends in high places can get you places sometimes, but in the long run, friends will run over you just like any other stranger in their way.

And that’s sad.