Posted on August 31, 2006
College Newspaper: Spectator

Ending a friendship has always been a hard thing to do. Sometimes you’re afraid to hurt someone’s feelings, or you’re just afraid of them all together. Maybe they’re the type of friend who always has to be right or maybe they’re the bullying type. Sometimes you can be friends with someone and you get so sucked into the friendship that you lose yourself somewhere along the way.

As much as you hate it and dread it, the fact is, ending it has to be done.

Maybe it was never a real friendship; maybe it was that annoying roommate you had freshman year who still sends you birthday cards and annoying e-mails asking when you can have a sleepover. So that’s why we here at the Darkside are going to help you get rid of those annoying friends who have gotten on your nerves way too much.

It’s a ten step – ten step process to eliminate the defective bug, er, friend, from your life.

Day 1 – The first day in your plan should be taken like any other day. Let them do what they usually do to you. If they’re rude to you, sit back and take it. Let that be ammunition to kick them to the curb later. If they’re annoying, continue to take shots at them, hoping they’ll walk away. Go home or to your dorm room and plan your attack, but be careful.

Day 2 – Call the friend up several times and ask them to do things with you. This works especially if the friend isn’t the annoying type, but the type who never wants to do anything. They’ll eventually get tired of you and leave you alone.

Day 3 – Sleep with either the boyfriend, girlfriend or other object of their affection. This will make them extremely jealous, and is one of the best ways to kill a friendship. If you need proof, videotape your conquest and post it on the internet. Discreetly mention the website to your friend, telling them it’s the funniest video you’ve ever seen.

Day 4 – Tell their parents nasty lies about them gallivanting around campus and causing trouble wherever they go.Gently mention how you walked into their room and they were naked in a room with 16 other nudes. If this doesn’t work, plant child pornography in their dorm room and tell the RA.

Day 5 – Tell them you’re throwing a huge party at an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of town. Go the whole nine yards, and tell their friends about your prank, advertise it on Facebook. But most importantly – do not show up. Put your phone on silent until the next morning, and call them in the morning asking why they weren’t at the party.

Day 6 – Annoy them bluntly. If they’re a Red Sox fan, wear a Yankee’s hat or start discussing how great the game was last night. If they’re a Dale Earnhardt, Jr. fan, start telling someone else about how he’s just riding along in his father’s shadow. Get to the core, build up to the friction, and simply smile. That’ll annoy them more than anything.

Day 7 – Totally ignore their emails and text messages, especially if they’re the annoying type. Pretend you never received them. “You know how that damn VSU email is, the server is always screwed up!” That’s your excuse; use it to your advantage.

Day 8 – Remove them from your “Top 8” on MySpace. This gives them a day to ponder why you did it. It also gives them the chance to wonder why you put that person in their spot. Nothing hurts more than being removed from someone’s “Top 8.”

Day 9 – Spike their 40 oz. Natural Light with a red roofie, and wait half an hour. Lead your incapable friend wherever you wish now; to their worst enemy’s domain, a large ditch on the side of the highway or in front of police station. If your friend still won’t leave you be, replace the roofie with cyanide.

Day 10. De-MySpace them! Delete them from your friends list all together! Take them off your facebook! This lets them know that they are no longer wanted in your ‘space.’ It’s the last straw, whenever someone pisses you off, just edit your friends list and you’re done with them! Be careful though, because they may delete you first. If that happens, apologize, re-add them, and then delete them first. You need that power. Nothing is more powerful than the click of a mouse.

Disclaimer: If these tricks do not work, neither we, nor the Spectator, are responsible. You’ll have to get rid of your friend on your own.